Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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