dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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