it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
