The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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