Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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