what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
