I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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