the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
