New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
