my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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