you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
