Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
