i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
