Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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