Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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