the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
