drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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