I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
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