do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
