just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
