She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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