I heard we made out
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
