woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
