my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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