i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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