That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Randomize
