Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
