I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
