I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
