I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
