i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
