I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
