Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
