Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
