We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
