good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
