You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
