Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
