I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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