I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
