i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
