awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
