i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
