Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
