wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
