I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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