i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
