so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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