I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
