Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
