My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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